My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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Everyone’s family
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
is this meant to deter me
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice