My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
who did the taste test?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44