Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*aggressively waits in line*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.