My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I put the h in mysterious.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.