Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.