We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.