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her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can