tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Called it
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]