[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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o shit
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Going into Monday like
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now