Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
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Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.