Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
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Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
*puts cutlery down*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
it must be school picture day
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
g
a
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d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.