“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.