I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.