If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
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Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Oh hi lol
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
men, we mow at sunrise.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire