Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
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Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
wishing you and yours all the best
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Lassie, get help!
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.