Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him