Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
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[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I need to get some bricks…
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*puts cutlery down*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
When news reporters do sports stories
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis