Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you