Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.