Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
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I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.