Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”