One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
You Might Also Like
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
mathematically impossible
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
The French word for sex is croissant.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”