Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
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My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?