[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.