I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Real House Wines.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night