Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
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You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro