[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
You Might Also Like
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
you will never know the true number of layers
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Meeeee too!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something