Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe