“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
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I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
The struggle is real.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.