If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
everyone’s a critic
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation