Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
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“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*updates tinder bio*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.