Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket