Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free