Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
There’s no “u” in narcissist