My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.