angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food