I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
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I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
The Backseat Boys
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter