if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
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Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.