Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
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6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me trying to “trust the process”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.