Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.