Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?