I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
You Might Also Like
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I have obtained a hat
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.