*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
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I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
A fake ID that makes you younger
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.