Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
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them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it