I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
How high do the levels go?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.