Punctuation Matters. Period.
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
The Book. The Movie.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…