In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”