17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.