[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone