WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Genius idea!!
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.